Sibling Conflict Action Tool (SCAT)

I found myself once again at a familiar and dreaded place this morning--called upon to be avenger and judge of a sibling quarrel. I don't like that position. I decided this morning that I was not going to get caught up in the drama of the moment and was definitely not going to play referee. I wasn't as concerned about the details of what had happened as I was about the state of their hearts. I want them to be skilled at reconciliation and forgiveness.

Some time ago I had bought the "Brother Offended Checklist" from Doorpost. My boys turned up their noses at it, and I have to admit that I also felt the cartoonish, juvenile drawings were off-putting. I also felt it needed to be "fleshed out" a bit more; that it was a bit too sketchy to be an easy-to-use tool for a child. So, after I sent the offended brother to his room to cool off, I sat down at the computer and wrote the following: (I am happy to report that it appears to have brought about the reconciliation I was looking for. Having the time to cool their heads played a large part toward that end as well.)

You now find yourself in a quarrel with your brother. Neither of you are relenting, both of you are claiming your own rights and wanting to seek justice for yourself. I understand. However, let’s work to resolve this in a way pleasing to the Lord.

Consider first 1 John 2: “Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him.” Let’s work at coming out of any darkness and into God’s light in this situation. Pray: Lord, please shine your light into my heart, revealing any dark corners where bitterness and anger are hiding.

Do keep in mind throughout this resolution that you are only responsible for your own actions. When you stand before the Lord to answer for your actions of today, your brother will not be there, and no excuses will be allowed. Refresh your mind with these verses first and ask the Lord to help you to be generous and honorable, pleasing in His sight. Proverbs 11:25: “A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.” Proverbs 20:3: “It is to a man's honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel.” Romans 12:21: “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Pray: Lord, help me to be generous, to show honor to ______________, and to not seek vengeance. This is not want my natural self wants to do, but I can through your power that strengthens me.

One person cannot be in a conflict. It’s time to evaluate the part you played in this quarrel. Matthew 7 states, “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” I know you do not like being judged harshly or unfairly, and that you appreciate being shown grace and mercy, but the laws of this universe that God has set in place state that you’ll be treated with the same measurement you’re willing to give right now to your brother. Let’s work at removing the plank in your own eye first—not an easy task, but you can do it with the Lord’s help.

1 John 1:8 states, “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.” Confess now the part you have played in the conflict. Were you possibly: proud, haughty, envious, jealous, selfish, angry, bossy, coveting, gossiping, lying, thinking of yourself first, bitter and seeking revenge due to past unforgiveness toward your brother. Pray, “Lord, please show me my part in this quarrel. Please reveal to me my own attitudes and actions that were not pleasing to you, irregardless of what the other person said or did.” Now listen with an open heart. Please write your answer here:

Now please ask God to reveal to yourself the answers to these questions (and write the answers):

God, was I being easily provoked (Did I have a chip on my shoulder)?

God, was I thinking of myself first?

God, was I guilty of repaying evil with evil?

Our Lord is the God of love and peace, so you have access to that same love and peace—You don’t need to conjure it up yourself. Our desire needs to be to live at peace, particularly in our own home. Romans 12:18: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” 1 Corinthians 7:15: “God has called us to live in peace.” 2 Corinthians 3:11: “. . . be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.” Pray: Lord, help me to determine to live at peace with my brother and to promote peace in my home. This is an action of my will, and through Your power I can do it.

Through this time of retrospection, scripture reading, and prayer you can now answer the question: What is at the heart of this quarrel? This should only include your confession and have nothing to do with your brother’s actions. (please write here)

Now it’s time to be a peacemaker. Matthew 18:15 states, "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.” When you and your brother are ready, meet with each other, look each other in the eye, and each confess your own wrongdoing, starting with the oldest. There should be no blame-placing or accusing here. It is ok to say, “When you did ________________, I felt ____________________.”

Now it’s time to forgive. Ephesians 4:32: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Romans 12:19 “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.”

This is not an option! Please state your forgiveness to your brother and release him now from all rights to seek revenge:

Say: _______________, I forgive you for _________________________________ and release all my rights to seek revenge. Your action against me is now in the past and I will not bring it up again or harbor bitterness in my heart, but allow God to be my avenger.

Now hug and rejoice in the Lord’s forgiveness.